Child #2? Oh boy!

So, at the beginning of the (pre) school year, my DS's teacher pulled me aside and said, "I think you need to have your child tested for ADHD."

Inside I screamed, but not aloud.
Instead, I smiled nicely, brushed it off, and went home and cried.

Even though I've come to terms with the fact that my oldest has ADD, all I could think was, "Not again!" I was partly offended that she would jump on this idea so early. And partly scared that she was right. Could it be possible that I have another child with ADHD?

We did nothing right away. He was still so young, and new to the school environment, that we wanted to give the year more time. A few months later she mentioned the same thing, but this time I realized she didn't hate my son. She wanted HIM to have a good experience in the classroom. I got brave and asked if he was distracting others, and she said no...it was him that was missing out, and then I understood that I didn't need to be offended. She wasn't kicking him out of school, she was simply trying to help him. She was trying to help ME help him.

I talked to my husband, who was still frustrated about the idea of having him tested, but after a third mention from the teacher, I figured we'd better get him tested. We had a good resource already, and I wanted ammunition for the next time, or when he went into Kindergarten and they started saying the same thing.

So we had him tested. And his results indicated:

He is very bright. VERY bright. In fact he tested (on almost every classification scale) as above average to superior in his age group. But he did have two tests that showed mild deficits, and these were both designed to challenge the 'planning' part of the brain. This part of the brain is in charge of picking up and following through on cues, including oral commands, and social situations. These are the areas we see he struggles in. We wondered, because his test results were so extraordinarily different from his brothers, what this meant. Apparently not much. See, the way we rated him, the partnered teacher ratings, and the deficits (despite his intelligence) still gives him a diagnosis of ADHD. (For those friends and family that are interested in this fact, we were recommended to have some genetic testing done as well because of his epicanthal folds, which may indicate that he could have some genetic reasoning behind his specific behavioral issues, other than ADHD. We need to find out if our insurance even covers it because it can be costly.) I guess the next step is to talk with his pediatrician, and go from there.

Good Teachers...

...make ALL the difference.

I just got off the phone with my son's pre-school teacher and we had a good conversation about my boy. I told her how grateful I was that she was so willing to be so patient and see beyond the difficulties (because they can blind you). She basically said to me, "I don't want to be held responsible for lessening the potential of a human life. They get enough of that out in the world." Will I hold that woman in my heart for the rest of my life? You bet.

Perfect

Have you seen Up? We thought it was a pretty great movie, but we've laughed and laughed since we saw it over the part(s) with the dogs being distracted by squirrels. This scene so describes our boys. We'll be in the middle of a conversation with one of them when suddenly something else grabs their attention. We'll even say, "Squirrel" for effect (hey, you have to find humor where you can, right?). In fact, funny enough, one time we were hiking in Snow Canyon in St George, Utah, and this happened. We yelled out "Squirrel" and one of my dear boys (bless his heart) said, "Where?"

And now I've found the perfect mouse pad for ADHD. If you are interested, you can buy one here.

A confession and a triumph

So I have a confession to make. Are you ready for this? Do you promise not to judge me? Okay, even if you do, maybe I should be judged, but brace yourself:

I DO NOT TRUST MY SON!

Nope, not even a little. And you want to know how I knew I'd lost all trust in him? Well, it's a long story, really, but let me bullet point the why's:

-He lies. A lot. And not just about big things, you know, the BIG things that might make a difference in a "normal" (I hate that phrase, but once again, that's another post) person's life, or matter to a child. He lies about little things too. And I don't understand. Things like brushing his teeth (okay, so that's probably normal), where he was playing, etc.
-He doesn't seem capable of following the rules or learning from his mistakes. Even though we go over them (and over them and over them). Now, I know that this is a common issue with ADD/ADHD children because these children often lasck impulse control. But then he doesn't fess up, and we'll be back to #1. He's lying.
-He steals. Yep. There, I've said it. He hasn't stolen from any stores (that I know), but every time (yes, every time) we clean his room up we find something that doesn't belong to him. He steals things that don't matter (sound like #1?), like eyeshadow, lip gloss, glasses, hats, keys. Oh sure, we'd love to mortify him by taking them back to the owner and apologizing (I remember when my dad made me do that. I never wanted to steal again. The fear was had!), but he conveniently "doesn't remember" where the item came from. The kid has selective memory and it drives me batty.
-He takes the easy way out whenever he can. When he's supposed to write a report, he copies and pastes items of information. He puts off work to the last minute (and then still doesn't do it). His teacher said that if he's really struggling in math, that we could allow him to do only the odd problems...well, now he's telling me that he only HAS to do the odd problems (not true).

So I've known he's lost trust. He has lost a lot of trust. And yet, I often still find myself wanting to trust him. Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I WANT to see the good in him. I WANT to see him succeed. I WANT to see him triumph; to learn what we've been trying so hard and so diligently to teach him. But I knew I had a problem when he came out last night with an essay he'd written, and I read it. And it was good. It was REALLY good, too good. This was not the way my son writes, and I know that.

You see, he's in fifth grade, and this year the students are required to write a persuasive essay at the end of the year. They have to type it, and it is timed. They've been learning keyboarding for weeks and weeks because of this. They've been learning the format of a persuasive essay. But coherent reasonable thoughts, time pressure, and typing are just not my son's forte. In fact, up to this point his essays have not been remotely persuasive. Small example: He wrote an essay on yellow cars. Should they all be yellow? Well, he didn't take a stand, first of all. But, worse, he ended the paper with something similar to this line: "So if you buy a yellow car, you should go eat pooh." Yeah, real mature, right?

Back to his essay last night. He chose the topic "Beach vs. Mountains" and his stance was clear. Not only that, but he opened with a line setting up the scene: "The seagulls called, and the waves crashed against the rocks. My brother, D, was digging a hole, while my sister, S, squished sand between her toes. My mom was writing 'I love you' to my dad in the sand, while my dad was playing with baby G. My mom and dad had surprised us with a trip to the beach over Thanksgiving. Beach vacations are the best." And THEN, he went on, and it got even better.

There was NO WAY my son had written this by himself.

So I immediately took his paper into my room and googled several of the lines he'd used, certain I'd find something he saw online. Something he'd copied and pasted. And what did I find?

Nothing.

He'd written the paper.

We talked about it, and he said that one of his friends at school had written a paper and used similar setups, so he borrowed some of the ideas. BUT, he'd written the paper.

And I call that a success. Because he learned. He now understood how to draw someone in.

(And sadly, I'm still secretly awaiting the phone call that he copied it word for word, but until I get it, I'm celebrating, because after all, I still want to trust my boy.)

Role Reversal

Don't you dare pick up that phone and call me today. I'm warning you. You won't want to hear the sounds coming out of my house today.

Still, the role reversal is oddly nice...sick kids being so, so still, and me running back and forth "as if driven by a motor" (or awful smells).

Chaos Reigns Supreme

Do you ever feel like your house is like the picture above? I know I do. (Small sidenote: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY MY HOUSE!) Boy, it seems we never get ahead of the mess. I try and try and try....and try, but to no avail. I organize the kitchen cupboard, the linen closet, the bathroom drawers, all to be undone within weeks; days! I have a place for toys and clothes, but all they do is end up in the middle of the floor, or in the hall, or on the kitchen table. I create systems but struggle sticking to them (so how can I expect my kids to?). I get infuriated sometimes that I do this and not one other person in the house can seem to keep them in working order, keep them functioning.

You know, I used to say that I was clean. Cluttered (as in stacks of papers or books), but not messy (as in nasty bathroom or food left out for days). And this is still true (because I can't stand nasty bathrooms or food left out for days), but the clutter has taken its toll on my house because not only am I a cluttered mess, so is my husband, and each of my children. And it's out of control.

In Dr. Amen's book, Healing ADD, he writes, "Organizations struggles are also very common in ADD, specifically disorganization for space, time, projects, and long-term goals." I see this in my family frequently. As my husband and I are reading this book, we're realizing that we both likely have ADD ourselves. Which has been an interesting process (more on that in a future post). My husband struggles constantly with time management. He often plans more than he can do. Dr. Amen goes on to say, "People with Type 3 ADD often appear very organized on the outside. They are often perfectly dressed, and parts of their living space may be very neat. For example, they may insist on perfect living rooms, but if you go into their drawers or closets you'll find a disaster." Well, this is me. To a T. And I hate admitting it, but it's true. I've had so many people tell me that they're jealous I'm so put together. I can only laugh at the thought, because it's not remotely true. I've had neighbors ask how I keep my house so clean, and the truth is that I don't. Remotely. If a neighbor drops by before I've had a chance to clean things ups (because let's face it, the kids drag more out into the living areas than anywhere else), I end up completely mortified, don't want to answer the door, and worry for days afterward about how unimpressed they must have been with me.

So this year's goal is to be more organized as a family. In all areas of our home. "A place for everything, and everything in it's place." But sometimes I feel defeated before I begin. Any suggestions on better organization when it's a deficit for each person in our home? In the meantime, if you drop by and my house is a mess, please know that I'm mortified, but above all else, I'm human!

Explanatory Video on ADHD

I thought that this was a really good video that explains, in basic terms, what is going on in the brain of an ADHD child. I was fascinated to learn that the brain cortex is actually smaller than the vast majority of people! It also mentions that some studies have shown a dopamine deficiency, which is something I've been reading about lately, and will touch on in a future post.