Thank you!

I just wanted to tell my readers (all whopping four of you) thank you! You are so supportive and so sweet. I was so excited to see my first 'stranger' comment and subsequent email from this blog (hey Ellen!). This is exactly what I was hoping for: to connect with others out there that have gone through the same questions, guilt, and triumphs that dealing with ADD/ADHD presents to our lives. If you know someone else that could benefit from these conversations, please send them to the blog! I'd love to really have dialogue going on the posts if I can! :)

Why the drama? Oh, I see it's hereditary!

Sometimes I think how nice it would be to live in a quiet, organized, peaceful home. I'm not saying I live in the exact opposite. In fact, I quite adore the way my home feels much of the time. It feels like home. It's somewhere I can go to be safe, to feel love, to be ME! But my kids? Well, there's never a lack of drama around here. If I'm being completely honest, it's usually more than one drama going on at the same time. I'm not a very outgoing person myself. I'm a bit of a hermit, have a tendency to shy away from social situations, and prefer to have the attention on someone other than myself. But I realize I must be ADD, because among many other traits, I talk far too much. And I tend to go off on tangents...where were we? Oh, yes. Childhood drama. So, just the other day my little daughter (3) found and colored on my 5th grade journal. I felt a little upset...I've saved this journal for YEARS! But then I started reading through it, curious to see what my thoughts were when I was in the same grade my oldest is in now. And all I could do was laugh. I need to give my kid a break! I had WAY MORE drama in my life then, than he has now. :D

Homework. Need I say more?

I wanted my next post to be a positive one. One about how kids with ADD/ADHD can focus on things they love, and PROOF that they can. I wanted to show you all something amazing that I'm proud of my kids for, but it's going to have to wait. I just opened my son's backpack and now I'm just frustrated and need to vent.

Sigh.

So we *try* to put these systems in place to help our oldest (currently in 5th grade) not only GET his homework done-which is a trial in and of itself-but also to turn it in. When the principal sent home a letter at the end of last year asking for any special requests for the students, I sent a two page, single spaced, typed letter requesting he be placed in as close to a specific type of classroom so that he could better succeed. I didn't expect perfection. I didn't expect a specific teacher even. I did expect some sort of accommodation. However, it was as if the letter was not received, because they placed him in a classroom with a new teacher (tell me how you have a remote idea of how a new teacher runs a classroom...and she's never taught 5th grade either). I don't intend to complain about his teacher. I know she's dealing with a lot. This is her third year of teaching, and first year of teaching 5th grade, but because of these, it's been a really difficult year for B. The classroom is highly unorganized. Mass chaos reigns, and this is the most difficult environment for him to function in. So after several meetings with his teacher, we finally have her looking at and signing off on B's daily planner (no, she wasn't ever checking them before). But B will tell me certain things mean something different than they do, or that due dates are different than they are, or that he already turned in the work when he didn't...the list goes on.

Well, it's been Spring Break this week at his school, and last week he had several large projects due, along with all of the normal weekly homework he has. We worked for months on a research project. We worked for weeks on a science project (pet Mealworm, anyone?). We scoured over his daily planner. We've met with his teacher. We've emailed his teacher again and again. We've TRIED so hard to have open communication. We remind B daily of what he needs to do. We help him complete his projects. And to no avail...

...another sigh...

I just opened his backpack and read his planner from last Friday.

He:
-did not turn in his reading log (for the last month he hasn't)
-did not turn in his LARGE research paper (he told me he did, and I spent so much time working with him on this, and got him all prepared and ready to turn it in, reminded him morning of, etc)
-did not do any work in computer lab
-did not turn in his meal worm project
-did not turn in four math worksheets
...the list goes on.

I just am feeling hopeless and lost. I don't know what more I can do! I've threatened to come pick him up from school every day, but I really don't want to. First because it's a burden (I know, shame on me) to haul three small children into his school every day, and to drive to and from every day (it's a pain, off of a busy highway with no lights, and about 15 or so minutes away). I have pushed and pushed his teacher for communication to the point that she's annoyed with me and my son! It's so far into the school year that trading classes would be a ridiculous idea (transition for ADD, anyone? No thanks).

At what point do you let them take responsibility for themselves? I know he has deficits, but where does my stepping in stop actually helping? When he goes to middle school, and has several classes, what do I do then? I am feeling so lost. It makes me wonder if I should take him out of school next year, and let him do it at home online. Just so I know he's getting it done without the distractions of the classroom. So that I can monitor what he needs to do.

I know I'm long winded. If you got through that, bless you, my friends. Thanks for letting me spill my guts.

On a positive note, I just got a call from DH saying that B just made his first-ever soccer goal. This is fabulous...he normally avoids the ball because of his anxiety. Sweet!!

Child #2? Oh boy!

So, at the beginning of the (pre) school year, my DS's teacher pulled me aside and said, "I think you need to have your child tested for ADHD."

Inside I screamed, but not aloud.
Instead, I smiled nicely, brushed it off, and went home and cried.

Even though I've come to terms with the fact that my oldest has ADD, all I could think was, "Not again!" I was partly offended that she would jump on this idea so early. And partly scared that she was right. Could it be possible that I have another child with ADHD?

We did nothing right away. He was still so young, and new to the school environment, that we wanted to give the year more time. A few months later she mentioned the same thing, but this time I realized she didn't hate my son. She wanted HIM to have a good experience in the classroom. I got brave and asked if he was distracting others, and she said no...it was him that was missing out, and then I understood that I didn't need to be offended. She wasn't kicking him out of school, she was simply trying to help him. She was trying to help ME help him.

I talked to my husband, who was still frustrated about the idea of having him tested, but after a third mention from the teacher, I figured we'd better get him tested. We had a good resource already, and I wanted ammunition for the next time, or when he went into Kindergarten and they started saying the same thing.

So we had him tested. And his results indicated:

He is very bright. VERY bright. In fact he tested (on almost every classification scale) as above average to superior in his age group. But he did have two tests that showed mild deficits, and these were both designed to challenge the 'planning' part of the brain. This part of the brain is in charge of picking up and following through on cues, including oral commands, and social situations. These are the areas we see he struggles in. We wondered, because his test results were so extraordinarily different from his brothers, what this meant. Apparently not much. See, the way we rated him, the partnered teacher ratings, and the deficits (despite his intelligence) still gives him a diagnosis of ADHD. (For those friends and family that are interested in this fact, we were recommended to have some genetic testing done as well because of his epicanthal folds, which may indicate that he could have some genetic reasoning behind his specific behavioral issues, other than ADHD. We need to find out if our insurance even covers it because it can be costly.) I guess the next step is to talk with his pediatrician, and go from there.

Good Teachers...

...make ALL the difference.

I just got off the phone with my son's pre-school teacher and we had a good conversation about my boy. I told her how grateful I was that she was so willing to be so patient and see beyond the difficulties (because they can blind you). She basically said to me, "I don't want to be held responsible for lessening the potential of a human life. They get enough of that out in the world." Will I hold that woman in my heart for the rest of my life? You bet.

Perfect

Have you seen Up? We thought it was a pretty great movie, but we've laughed and laughed since we saw it over the part(s) with the dogs being distracted by squirrels. This scene so describes our boys. We'll be in the middle of a conversation with one of them when suddenly something else grabs their attention. We'll even say, "Squirrel" for effect (hey, you have to find humor where you can, right?). In fact, funny enough, one time we were hiking in Snow Canyon in St George, Utah, and this happened. We yelled out "Squirrel" and one of my dear boys (bless his heart) said, "Where?"

And now I've found the perfect mouse pad for ADHD. If you are interested, you can buy one here.

A confession and a triumph

So I have a confession to make. Are you ready for this? Do you promise not to judge me? Okay, even if you do, maybe I should be judged, but brace yourself:

I DO NOT TRUST MY SON!

Nope, not even a little. And you want to know how I knew I'd lost all trust in him? Well, it's a long story, really, but let me bullet point the why's:

-He lies. A lot. And not just about big things, you know, the BIG things that might make a difference in a "normal" (I hate that phrase, but once again, that's another post) person's life, or matter to a child. He lies about little things too. And I don't understand. Things like brushing his teeth (okay, so that's probably normal), where he was playing, etc.
-He doesn't seem capable of following the rules or learning from his mistakes. Even though we go over them (and over them and over them). Now, I know that this is a common issue with ADD/ADHD children because these children often lasck impulse control. But then he doesn't fess up, and we'll be back to #1. He's lying.
-He steals. Yep. There, I've said it. He hasn't stolen from any stores (that I know), but every time (yes, every time) we clean his room up we find something that doesn't belong to him. He steals things that don't matter (sound like #1?), like eyeshadow, lip gloss, glasses, hats, keys. Oh sure, we'd love to mortify him by taking them back to the owner and apologizing (I remember when my dad made me do that. I never wanted to steal again. The fear was had!), but he conveniently "doesn't remember" where the item came from. The kid has selective memory and it drives me batty.
-He takes the easy way out whenever he can. When he's supposed to write a report, he copies and pastes items of information. He puts off work to the last minute (and then still doesn't do it). His teacher said that if he's really struggling in math, that we could allow him to do only the odd problems...well, now he's telling me that he only HAS to do the odd problems (not true).

So I've known he's lost trust. He has lost a lot of trust. And yet, I often still find myself wanting to trust him. Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I WANT to see the good in him. I WANT to see him succeed. I WANT to see him triumph; to learn what we've been trying so hard and so diligently to teach him. But I knew I had a problem when he came out last night with an essay he'd written, and I read it. And it was good. It was REALLY good, too good. This was not the way my son writes, and I know that.

You see, he's in fifth grade, and this year the students are required to write a persuasive essay at the end of the year. They have to type it, and it is timed. They've been learning keyboarding for weeks and weeks because of this. They've been learning the format of a persuasive essay. But coherent reasonable thoughts, time pressure, and typing are just not my son's forte. In fact, up to this point his essays have not been remotely persuasive. Small example: He wrote an essay on yellow cars. Should they all be yellow? Well, he didn't take a stand, first of all. But, worse, he ended the paper with something similar to this line: "So if you buy a yellow car, you should go eat pooh." Yeah, real mature, right?

Back to his essay last night. He chose the topic "Beach vs. Mountains" and his stance was clear. Not only that, but he opened with a line setting up the scene: "The seagulls called, and the waves crashed against the rocks. My brother, D, was digging a hole, while my sister, S, squished sand between her toes. My mom was writing 'I love you' to my dad in the sand, while my dad was playing with baby G. My mom and dad had surprised us with a trip to the beach over Thanksgiving. Beach vacations are the best." And THEN, he went on, and it got even better.

There was NO WAY my son had written this by himself.

So I immediately took his paper into my room and googled several of the lines he'd used, certain I'd find something he saw online. Something he'd copied and pasted. And what did I find?

Nothing.

He'd written the paper.

We talked about it, and he said that one of his friends at school had written a paper and used similar setups, so he borrowed some of the ideas. BUT, he'd written the paper.

And I call that a success. Because he learned. He now understood how to draw someone in.

(And sadly, I'm still secretly awaiting the phone call that he copied it word for word, but until I get it, I'm celebrating, because after all, I still want to trust my boy.)