Every child wants to be loved.

Okay, I'm sure that's obvious. Of course they do. But sometimes you wonder, right? Some kids really seem to just want to please, while others just get their attention through negative behavior. I have always struggled with this as a parent. From the time I was 18 and having a baby, scared as could be, I read about how to parent. I read all about providing positive feedback and good reward systems for good behavior. But as my oldest grew, it seemed that I had my hands full of negative behaviors that needed course correction, and the positive behaviors were so few and far between, that he wasn't getting the positive reinforcement he needed. What to do? Do I simply ignore all the bad? How do I correct him if I ignore it? Herein was a big problem for me. Some of you may have figured this out on day one, but for me, it's been a long time in the making. Some things I've come to realize:

-correcting in a positive manner, with a calm voice, works wonders
-correcting harshly creates bad self-esteem
-correcting harshly too often simply makes children turn off their ears
-both positive and negative behaviors are cries for attention
-creating circumstances where you can provide opportunities for positive reinforcements are necessary. You can't just happen upon them accidentally all the time.
-when you do happen upon them, sing their praises from the rooftops. Even if it seems small an insignificant.
-listen to them.
-set rules. When a bad choice has been made, bring the talk back to the rules. Make it about the rules. Don't make it personal.
-always end a 'talking to' on a positive note, with a goal at the end.

I'm not great about following through with all of these all the time. However, when I do, our lives are happier.

Last week while I was working, my husband had Family Home Evening with the kids on his own. He started something called "Spotlight" where everyone went around the room and said something they loved about a particular person in our family. This time it was our daughter, S, that was chosen to be the spotlight. When they got to my second child, D, he could think of nothing positive he wanted to contribute to her. This of course made her feel sad. However, after my oldest, B, said some things, D piped in with a number of things he loved about her. The positive example set helped him to search for something, and he went on and on and on. S felt wonderful after that. Last night we were doing Family Home Evening and D shouted out that he wanted to be the spotlight. What a wonderful opportunity my husband created for our family to share in the goodness that each child possesses.

Buzz

Buzz is coming out in a couple of weeks and I'm thinking about picking up a copy. You?

Blessings

I know I complain a lot. It's probably part my nature, and part the fact that dealing with ADD and ADHD is really frustrating a lot of the time. But I have to say that despite my complaints, I also am very grateful for this crazy disease. Why? Because it helps me see more clearly, define more finely, the person that I want to be. The type of mother I can be. The genius that is in these children. Our schedules are busy. BUSY. I like it that way, even though it wears me thin. I want my children involved in life. I want my children learning. But even children get overwhelmed. I've been so impressed with my oldest, who has taken on a lot this year. He wanted to try out for competition soccer. I'll be honest and say I was hesitant. Not only is it a huge time and money commitment, but his anxieties typically stop him from functioning fully. I thought it would be a waste of our time since I didn't believe he'd make the team. But my dear, sweet husband was the better side of the scenario and said that we should always show him that we stand behind him. No matter what. So I did and he made the team. I was proud of him for moving past his anxieties and doing something he enjoyed. And it's been HARD. He practices 3-4 times a week, and usually has a couple of games. Add that to piano lessons and scouts and homework...the boy barely has a moment to breathe. But, he taken it in stride and is learning better how to manage his time, and to feel proud of himself. I think this would make any mother proud, but to see him dealing with his ADD and working through all of this still, I have to say that I am grateful. It has helped me to love him and respect him more deeply.

It's already starting...

So the past several days I have been on the couch and in bed with some awful Tonsillitis. I've been miserable and not on top of it...and we're already sliding on homework with No1 (child number 1). BIG SIGH. He's already forgetting stuff at school, and at home...lying about what he has to do...etc. I was livid this morning. Well, that seems to be the case in dealing with him lately. Seriously, what is up with almost-12-year-old-boys? They are SO HARD to deal with! Anywho...I came across this little video today, and what a sweet reminder this was. As a parent I have a great responsibility for teaching my children how to react and how to behave, and how to treat others.

Misc.

Today is the first official day of school for my kindergartner, and you'll never believe what he has lost already. Yep, his new school shoes (remember this post?). He only wore them once since we couldn't find any of his other shoes on that particular day. But, we're not letting it deter us from our excitement. We have AWESOME teachers this year (see this post). Woohoo!!! So since it begins, I'm going through and organizing. I can see how desperately we need better management of our time and our lives. Any tips? Any blogs you like to follow?

And so it begins

Tonight was back to school night. The boys started school this week and tonight was our opportunity to see the classrooms and meet with the teachers, and all I can say is:

GIVE ME A HALLELUJAH!!!

I have a feeling that this is going to be a great year for my boys (I reserve the right to take that statement back at any time). Why is it going to be a great year?

DS1 has a teacher that is organized, and structured, and fun, and calm, and very prepared to make sure the kids are bringing home their homework AND turning it in. She recognizes that not every child CAN do all the homework in the expected time, and is ready and willing to make adjustments as needed. She sends home weekly missing assignment sheets (novel!), and puts expected homework up on her website...wait for it...every day. EVERY DAY! Or at least she says. Oh, oh, and she has a system for parents to know what is important for THEM. Purple paper. Simple, but genius. We are stoked.

DS2 has the BEST kindergarten teacher in the world. No lie. Well, at least that is what we are told. As an added bonus, my hubby actually knows her...since she was a neighbor of theirs while he was growing up. That extra little love right there will go a LONG WAY. Her classroom is insanely organized, and she is so, so happy.

HUGE sigh of relief right now. I mean, I don't want my hopes to be up so far because my heart will break if they are dashed, but already this is better than what we had to deal with last year.

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH??

School is just around the corner and can I just tell you how excited I am to get back in routine? After a hectic summer I am craving it!! I am on the count down (only 6 more days for my oldest, in case you were wondering, and Kindergarten and pre-school come quickly after that). Hooray!!!

So, now I'm trying to plan out my hours of ME time. What will I do without the hustle and bustle of summer camps, swimming lessons, and kids off of medication? Aaaahhh...maybe clean the house. Decorate. Finish painting. Go shopping. Read a book.

Whoa...can't get too far ahead. I don't have THAT much time. But it's coming...it's coming!!

Diet

Okay, so I know. I KNOW that so many people with ADD/ADHD kids start with the diet. We've never been "bad" eaters. We've always tried to eat lots of veggies, tried to keep the sugar out of the house, we don't buy soda, but will drink it if at a family party, etc. But I'm starting to wonder if it's something I need to be more in control of. I do believe that what we put into our bodies affects how we behave (both physically (i.e. sickness, growth, brain function) and emotionally). But I've never been a "food nazi"...just tried to take things in stride. Earlier this week we tried an experiment. We followed a basic ADD diet. The next day the kids were wonderful. Well, the following day we had a horrible diet (McDonald's for dinner, ice cream, cereal for breakfast, etc.) and the following day the kids were horrible. So...makes me think maybe I should be better. I'm looking into the Feingold program but wondered if any of you few readers (is anyone still here?) have actually tried this, and what you think?

You play with fire and you're gonna get....

So the other night we were putting the kids to bed and my husband asked my five year old what his favorite part of the day was. We'd done some really fun things and had had a good day as a family, and we figured he'd say something about spending the day at the lake, or playing at the park. But no. Instead he said he liked when my oldest (11) took these:
And this:
And made this:
So we had a good long talk with DS 1, and had to show him pictures like this:
to try to get the idea through his head that he shouldn't be doing any of the above. Sometimes it worries me just a little (or a lot) that my child seems to have no executive functioning or impulse control.

How do you manage a child and teach them responsibility? It's moments like this that make me think I might have to follow him around every moment of his life for the rest of his life.

It's days like today...

...where I love and hate my children. Yes, I just went there. No, I don't really hate them, but it sure feels hard to love, or even LIKE them somedays. Days like today when the house is a wreck, as usual, and I'm trying really hard to clean it (rather, I'm trying to make my kids clean it), where I have so much work coming out of my ears that I don't-sanely-know how to hold on. It's days like today where I have a sick baby, and my only sanity (my daughter) is gone getting sparkle toes, and I would much rather be with her than here. It's days like today where it take four hours, yes 4, to get one child to get dishes into the dishwasher, and the other child to pick up the couch pillows from the floor and simply put them back onto the couch. It's days like today where I've decided rather than eating with my children, I've taken my leftover red beans and rice and hidden away at my computer to browse blogs for lunch, hoping that I'll have just fifteen minutes where I don't have to deal with the screaming that is coming out of their mouths. It's days like today where that's not going to happen. And when I had a teaspoon full of clear Claritin syrup sitting on the counter waiting for a child to take (who has severe allergies), and I hear my DS2 screaming, then DS1 comes in to tell on him, and I sigh. And then he tells me that DS2 just spilled the Claritin all over the place, to which I am not surprised since he spills something EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And to try and keep calm, it's days like today where I tell DS1 that it's okay, DS2 will just need to clean it up. And then DS1 leaves my room, calling after DS2 and tell him, "You need to clean up that oil spill..." and it's days like today that make that actually funny. It's days like today that make me grateful for the children I have.

Where are the shoes?

Does your ADD/ADHD child misplace or lose things? With my oldest it has always been a variety of things: jackets, pencils, backpacks, homework...his brain ;-) . But my 5 year old has one thing that he misplaces/loses, and I think it drives me even more batty than everything my oldest lost put together. It is ALWAYS his shoes. Every time (yes, really) we need to leave we are scrambling around looking for shoes. Oh, I should try to compensate for this, you say? I do. I start getting the kids ready an hour before we need to go anywhere, and somehow it always still comes down to those darn shoes. Some we have yet to find! I look everywhere...the shoe closet (duh, why would they be there?), his room, the bathroom, under the couches, under chairs, every room in the house, outside the doors, in front of the trampoline. The thing that kills me is sometimes one will be in the bathroom, while the other is buried in a pile of dirt, or in the oven (okay, not really). But still...I need a tracking GPS device just for my five year old's shoes.

When Life Hands you Lemons...

Make lemon pudding.

I love how my oldest is interested in experimenting and discovering. Today he asked me if he could make pudding for dessert. Of course I said yes. Discovering and learning and doing are important! Not to mention the math lessons of using measuring cups! Oh boy! So he went to Grandma's (who lives downstairs) and picked out a package of lemon pudding. He added water, sugar, and stirred. He did need help adding the egg yolks. I started the stove top for him and he started stirring.

Then he got bored


... so I finished.

At least we're having dessert tonight! :D

Taming the Tiger

I've never been accused of being "high-energy" or a "yellow" peronality. In fact, I'm pretty low-energy. It's not that I wouldn't like more, but I just can't seem to find it. But my kids? They have energy. A LOT of it. And it's hard keeping up with them during the school year, but now it's summer and they are all home and ...bum, bum, bum:

BORED

So there is a lot of fighting, a lot of mess-making, and a lot of me running back and forth between the two. So I've decided this summer, instead of being frustrated with our time together, we're going to try and tame their inner-tigers by wearing them out (I *might* just be utterly exhausted after the summer). So this is the first week of summer and so far we've done our swimming lessons every day, we went and bought lawn water toys, and the kids are having a blast. We've had dance recitals and sleepovers, and I think this approach might be working...they are all sleeping SO well! But swimming lessons end next week and I've got to come up with something else.

Please share any ideas you have!

We have some merit badge classes coming up, Up With Kids, champ camp, soccer, and maybe more swimming lessons.

Come What May!

So we've had the RUN AROUND with B's teacher (my oldest), and with B the last couple of months. It has gotten to the point that his teacher appears to be extremely bothered by my communications with her. I dislike this, but what am I supposed to do? This is my child and I am fighting for him because he can't do it himself. He deserves a chance, right? Sigh. Anyway, my hubby took him into school the other morning to make sure that homework was returned and that the teacher gave him credit for it appropriately, and he asked her what suggestions she had for him entering 6th grade, and what we could do better. She suggested we get him an "official accommodation" (since apparently if it's on paper, the teacher suddenly is much happier to comply...sorry, sarcasm off). So we contacted the V.P. and he said he doesn't think B needs a 504 and that we should talk to his teacher at the beginning of the year and request accommodations, and that he'll sit in if we feel it's needed.
So we go to the counselor on Monday. This is the counselor that B's pediatrician suggested we see after I was frustrated at our last medication management appointment. The problem is that B does pretty well when he's on his meds, but if I don't give them to him, he doesn't take them (even though he tells me he does). B struggles, regardless, in remembering to turn his homework in when it's due, and he doesn't bring home all the information necessary to complete assignments. I don't know how much is ADD and how much is him being an 11 year old boy. This counselor will see us for one time and give us some suggestions. Well, we meet and talk over some of the issues we are facing and she gives us the same ideas we've been given many times, and a few new ones. Last of all she suggested we get an IEP, which is even harder to get than a 504! Oh boy! Really?

On another note, D, my 5 year old, had his last day of pre-school today. Oh, he's growing up! He'll be in kindergarten soon and we'll see what that brings. I'm scared and excited all at the same time.

Umm...yeah...

I know it's been almost a month since I posted. But I do have a good excuse, it's called real life. Sigh. The last month has been perhaps the most insane month of my entire life, and I am completely and utterly worn out! Yet happy. I get bored too easily, so I'd rather be busy than bored. I will update soon. We have been going the rounds with school teachers and taking meds, etc. and we are meeting with a counselor on Monday morning. Good times. New updates and more posts coming your way next week!

Thank you!

I just wanted to tell my readers (all whopping four of you) thank you! You are so supportive and so sweet. I was so excited to see my first 'stranger' comment and subsequent email from this blog (hey Ellen!). This is exactly what I was hoping for: to connect with others out there that have gone through the same questions, guilt, and triumphs that dealing with ADD/ADHD presents to our lives. If you know someone else that could benefit from these conversations, please send them to the blog! I'd love to really have dialogue going on the posts if I can! :)

Why the drama? Oh, I see it's hereditary!

Sometimes I think how nice it would be to live in a quiet, organized, peaceful home. I'm not saying I live in the exact opposite. In fact, I quite adore the way my home feels much of the time. It feels like home. It's somewhere I can go to be safe, to feel love, to be ME! But my kids? Well, there's never a lack of drama around here. If I'm being completely honest, it's usually more than one drama going on at the same time. I'm not a very outgoing person myself. I'm a bit of a hermit, have a tendency to shy away from social situations, and prefer to have the attention on someone other than myself. But I realize I must be ADD, because among many other traits, I talk far too much. And I tend to go off on tangents...where were we? Oh, yes. Childhood drama. So, just the other day my little daughter (3) found and colored on my 5th grade journal. I felt a little upset...I've saved this journal for YEARS! But then I started reading through it, curious to see what my thoughts were when I was in the same grade my oldest is in now. And all I could do was laugh. I need to give my kid a break! I had WAY MORE drama in my life then, than he has now. :D

Homework. Need I say more?

I wanted my next post to be a positive one. One about how kids with ADD/ADHD can focus on things they love, and PROOF that they can. I wanted to show you all something amazing that I'm proud of my kids for, but it's going to have to wait. I just opened my son's backpack and now I'm just frustrated and need to vent.

Sigh.

So we *try* to put these systems in place to help our oldest (currently in 5th grade) not only GET his homework done-which is a trial in and of itself-but also to turn it in. When the principal sent home a letter at the end of last year asking for any special requests for the students, I sent a two page, single spaced, typed letter requesting he be placed in as close to a specific type of classroom so that he could better succeed. I didn't expect perfection. I didn't expect a specific teacher even. I did expect some sort of accommodation. However, it was as if the letter was not received, because they placed him in a classroom with a new teacher (tell me how you have a remote idea of how a new teacher runs a classroom...and she's never taught 5th grade either). I don't intend to complain about his teacher. I know she's dealing with a lot. This is her third year of teaching, and first year of teaching 5th grade, but because of these, it's been a really difficult year for B. The classroom is highly unorganized. Mass chaos reigns, and this is the most difficult environment for him to function in. So after several meetings with his teacher, we finally have her looking at and signing off on B's daily planner (no, she wasn't ever checking them before). But B will tell me certain things mean something different than they do, or that due dates are different than they are, or that he already turned in the work when he didn't...the list goes on.

Well, it's been Spring Break this week at his school, and last week he had several large projects due, along with all of the normal weekly homework he has. We worked for months on a research project. We worked for weeks on a science project (pet Mealworm, anyone?). We scoured over his daily planner. We've met with his teacher. We've emailed his teacher again and again. We've TRIED so hard to have open communication. We remind B daily of what he needs to do. We help him complete his projects. And to no avail...

...another sigh...

I just opened his backpack and read his planner from last Friday.

He:
-did not turn in his reading log (for the last month he hasn't)
-did not turn in his LARGE research paper (he told me he did, and I spent so much time working with him on this, and got him all prepared and ready to turn it in, reminded him morning of, etc)
-did not do any work in computer lab
-did not turn in his meal worm project
-did not turn in four math worksheets
...the list goes on.

I just am feeling hopeless and lost. I don't know what more I can do! I've threatened to come pick him up from school every day, but I really don't want to. First because it's a burden (I know, shame on me) to haul three small children into his school every day, and to drive to and from every day (it's a pain, off of a busy highway with no lights, and about 15 or so minutes away). I have pushed and pushed his teacher for communication to the point that she's annoyed with me and my son! It's so far into the school year that trading classes would be a ridiculous idea (transition for ADD, anyone? No thanks).

At what point do you let them take responsibility for themselves? I know he has deficits, but where does my stepping in stop actually helping? When he goes to middle school, and has several classes, what do I do then? I am feeling so lost. It makes me wonder if I should take him out of school next year, and let him do it at home online. Just so I know he's getting it done without the distractions of the classroom. So that I can monitor what he needs to do.

I know I'm long winded. If you got through that, bless you, my friends. Thanks for letting me spill my guts.

On a positive note, I just got a call from DH saying that B just made his first-ever soccer goal. This is fabulous...he normally avoids the ball because of his anxiety. Sweet!!

Child #2? Oh boy!

So, at the beginning of the (pre) school year, my DS's teacher pulled me aside and said, "I think you need to have your child tested for ADHD."

Inside I screamed, but not aloud.
Instead, I smiled nicely, brushed it off, and went home and cried.

Even though I've come to terms with the fact that my oldest has ADD, all I could think was, "Not again!" I was partly offended that she would jump on this idea so early. And partly scared that she was right. Could it be possible that I have another child with ADHD?

We did nothing right away. He was still so young, and new to the school environment, that we wanted to give the year more time. A few months later she mentioned the same thing, but this time I realized she didn't hate my son. She wanted HIM to have a good experience in the classroom. I got brave and asked if he was distracting others, and she said no...it was him that was missing out, and then I understood that I didn't need to be offended. She wasn't kicking him out of school, she was simply trying to help him. She was trying to help ME help him.

I talked to my husband, who was still frustrated about the idea of having him tested, but after a third mention from the teacher, I figured we'd better get him tested. We had a good resource already, and I wanted ammunition for the next time, or when he went into Kindergarten and they started saying the same thing.

So we had him tested. And his results indicated:

He is very bright. VERY bright. In fact he tested (on almost every classification scale) as above average to superior in his age group. But he did have two tests that showed mild deficits, and these were both designed to challenge the 'planning' part of the brain. This part of the brain is in charge of picking up and following through on cues, including oral commands, and social situations. These are the areas we see he struggles in. We wondered, because his test results were so extraordinarily different from his brothers, what this meant. Apparently not much. See, the way we rated him, the partnered teacher ratings, and the deficits (despite his intelligence) still gives him a diagnosis of ADHD. (For those friends and family that are interested in this fact, we were recommended to have some genetic testing done as well because of his epicanthal folds, which may indicate that he could have some genetic reasoning behind his specific behavioral issues, other than ADHD. We need to find out if our insurance even covers it because it can be costly.) I guess the next step is to talk with his pediatrician, and go from there.

Good Teachers...

...make ALL the difference.

I just got off the phone with my son's pre-school teacher and we had a good conversation about my boy. I told her how grateful I was that she was so willing to be so patient and see beyond the difficulties (because they can blind you). She basically said to me, "I don't want to be held responsible for lessening the potential of a human life. They get enough of that out in the world." Will I hold that woman in my heart for the rest of my life? You bet.